My Own Chrysalis

Today starts a new journey. I'm taking the beginning steps to transforming my life and my situation. I'm tired of fighting everyday against solid amber. It's time I find my own way to chip out of this muck and begin my real life. I am not a dinosaur. I am not stuck in tar pits waiting to die. I am a vibrant glow that needs to shine. So here I go shining. I promised weekly updates for the next 12 weeks to my sister (title used for all intents and purposes). As such, I'll be sure to include weekly updates here as well.

My understanding is, this process will be hella difficult just because you have to deal with all your own malarkey. I understand I have a LOT of malarkey. But, I will trust this process. I will move forward and I will accept how ever I come out on the other side.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I am, very much so. But, I am really excited about taking control of my own self. It is past the point of time for me to be in the command space for my own life. This is the opportunity I will push myself to meet expectations set for and by me.

I'm grateful if you should chose to follow my journey. It will be a discovery for all, no question.


Here's to the soundtrack of my life!!!
                           Pandora is my heartbeat......(OFCOURSE Harry's in my ear... ha!)



Currents:

• HTML5/CSS course with Skillcrush (8% complete)
• HTML5/CSS course with Alison (26% complete)
• 12 Week Transformation Experience with Jon Gabriel (Week 1)
• 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami (86% complete)
• The Umbrella Academy, Vol 1: The Apocalypse Suite by Gerard Way, Gabriel Bá, Dave Stewart (5% complete)

Titles = Moods

Titles tend to fluctuate based on my moods. I wish I could say that I have a easy to read mind and mood, but I don't. Who does really? I would like to believe I'm a bright and vibrant person, but my moods rarely reflect that in front of people. I don't ooze the charm I think I ought to.



I understand it's my environment. I have created this ridiculous little hole that I am uncomfortably stuffed into. AND to add to the insult, I have gained a lot of weight since returning to America 16 months ago. So I'm shoved in this tiny ridiculous rut and I'm expanding. Makes leaving this hole that much harder. Man, that sucks. I feel like a mean person, but I feel like that isn't who I am. I am often called grumpy and miserable but again, I feel like that isn't me. I'm so torn. I miss the structure of having a real life and a real job that I get to go to every day. I miss feeling like a proper adult and taking care of just me and my dogs. I miss privacy. I miss privacy so much. I can't even type this without my mom's kitten attacking my leg or my mom blaring the TV in the background. I've made this terrible situation all by myself. I've allowed all this shit to get out of control. I need to fight myself for control back. This has gotten beyond ridiculous. I can't tell which is worse: having to come back into this mess I've made, or not knowing how to get myself out of it for good. I'm tired of people telling me they see I'm mad or sad or depressed or what the fuck ever. I can't just be me. Why can't I just be me? Why do I have to sit under someone else's labels for me? I may not be famous (nor will I ever be) but I don't like people putting labels on me. ESPECIALLY if they aren't taking the time to actually get to know me. Why do I have to care so much? I don't know that I do. I know that people like to tell me their thoughts and opinions. That, I know, I don't care to hear. It sounds callous, I know, but it is none of my business what you think about me. Seriously. So I definitely do NOT need you shoving your ideas down my throat. If I walk away, it is for a reason. Leave me be. Why do people insist on instigating?

I'm gonna go train my brain and read something.

P.S. My smart phone isn't so smart.