White Privilege

Internal conflict

I have been in a personal tumultuous hell for several days now.  I have been angry and sad, disgusted and embarrassed, and then the cycle starts over again.  I am ASHAMED at what I have been witnessing for years.  But today, I finally understand.  I finally understand my white privilege now.  I thought I did before, but I get it now.

I understand as a federal employee to an executive, judicial, and legislative government that is actively promoting unconstitutional solutions to constitutional issues, I am becoming a bigger part of the problem by not speaking up.  I swore an oath to protect the constitution against foreign and domestic threats.  I fully understand that my position is not viewed as necessary to many others, but I swore an oath.  We all swore an oath.

Internally I am battling.  

If I step up and speak out, I may lose my job. There are constitutional amendments that are set to protect that, but clearly the institution is no longer adhering to those directives.  If I lose my job, my family will suffer greatly.  I understand I just brought my mom to join me 1000 miles away from all that she’s ever known.  We just bought a house together and my income helps support that.  I could lose all of that.  Which means she loses that as well.

However.

If I chose to silently watch as all of this happens around me, I would likely keep my job. The move across country would not be for naught. I would have a salary and insurance and a life. My family would be secure and my mom would have stability and support. 

But, I would lose my soul.

My friends and neighbors would still suffer the abuse of their inalienable rights. The tyrannical government would continue in their current path and frankly who is to say we wouldn’t all lose every right? 

I could chose to stay the course, but that is the most selfish thing I could ever do.

“But,” you say, “then you could lose everything and be uncomfortable!”

Of course it’s uncomfortable!! 

Think how uncomfortable your friend is EVERY SINGLE DAY just breathing because their skin is darker than yours.  Think how uncomfortable it is for parents to explain to their small children the protocols for being black in America, hands up, tell them your name and age, tell them you are unarmed and then do not move.  Think how uncomfortable your neighbor down the block is every time he wants to leave his house, will he be pulled over? Is today the day he will die?  

THINK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE!

I am a white female.  I have the white privilege to stay home and continue on my current path.  

I am also a human being.   I have the moral and ethical OBLIGATION to stand up and speak out.

It is WRONG for you to say anything to my neighbor about his dog because he is black.  It is WRONG for you to pull over my friend driving home from work at night because he is black.  It is WRONG for you to call the police on my cousin for looking for something in the garage because he is black.  It is WRONG for you to demand anything of that woman shopping at the grocery store because she is black.  It is WRONG for you to terrorize those children playing together in the yard because they are black.  

IT IS WRONG TO KILL ANYONE BECAUSE THEY ARE BLACK. 

IT IS WRONG TO ASSUME ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY ARE BLACK.  

IT IS WRONG TO JUSTIFY YOUR SHORTCOMINGS BECAUSE SOMEONE IS BLACK.

If you are reading this, then you are old enough to understand RIGHT from WRONG.  Rights are right, STOP BEING WRONG!!

If you are not angry at the way HUMAN BEINGS are being treated in this country, YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

My Own Chrysalis

Today starts a new journey. I'm taking the beginning steps to transforming my life and my situation. I'm tired of fighting everyday against solid amber. It's time I find my own way to chip out of this muck and begin my real life. I am not a dinosaur. I am not stuck in tar pits waiting to die. I am a vibrant glow that needs to shine. So here I go shining. I promised weekly updates for the next 12 weeks to my sister (title used for all intents and purposes). As such, I'll be sure to include weekly updates here as well.

My understanding is, this process will be hella difficult just because you have to deal with all your own malarkey. I understand I have a LOT of malarkey. But, I will trust this process. I will move forward and I will accept how ever I come out on the other side.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I am, very much so. But, I am really excited about taking control of my own self. It is past the point of time for me to be in the command space for my own life. This is the opportunity I will push myself to meet expectations set for and by me.

I'm grateful if you should chose to follow my journey. It will be a discovery for all, no question.


Here's to the soundtrack of my life!!!
                           Pandora is my heartbeat......(OFCOURSE Harry's in my ear... ha!)



Currents:

• HTML5/CSS course with Skillcrush (8% complete)
• HTML5/CSS course with Alison (26% complete)
• 12 Week Transformation Experience with Jon Gabriel (Week 1)
• 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami (86% complete)
• The Umbrella Academy, Vol 1: The Apocalypse Suite by Gerard Way, Gabriel Bá, Dave Stewart (5% complete)

Titles = Moods

Titles tend to fluctuate based on my moods. I wish I could say that I have a easy to read mind and mood, but I don't. Who does really? I would like to believe I'm a bright and vibrant person, but my moods rarely reflect that in front of people. I don't ooze the charm I think I ought to.



I understand it's my environment. I have created this ridiculous little hole that I am uncomfortably stuffed into. AND to add to the insult, I have gained a lot of weight since returning to America 16 months ago. So I'm shoved in this tiny ridiculous rut and I'm expanding. Makes leaving this hole that much harder. Man, that sucks. I feel like a mean person, but I feel like that isn't who I am. I am often called grumpy and miserable but again, I feel like that isn't me. I'm so torn. I miss the structure of having a real life and a real job that I get to go to every day. I miss feeling like a proper adult and taking care of just me and my dogs. I miss privacy. I miss privacy so much. I can't even type this without my mom's kitten attacking my leg or my mom blaring the TV in the background. I've made this terrible situation all by myself. I've allowed all this shit to get out of control. I need to fight myself for control back. This has gotten beyond ridiculous. I can't tell which is worse: having to come back into this mess I've made, or not knowing how to get myself out of it for good. I'm tired of people telling me they see I'm mad or sad or depressed or what the fuck ever. I can't just be me. Why can't I just be me? Why do I have to sit under someone else's labels for me? I may not be famous (nor will I ever be) but I don't like people putting labels on me. ESPECIALLY if they aren't taking the time to actually get to know me. Why do I have to care so much? I don't know that I do. I know that people like to tell me their thoughts and opinions. That, I know, I don't care to hear. It sounds callous, I know, but it is none of my business what you think about me. Seriously. So I definitely do NOT need you shoving your ideas down my throat. If I walk away, it is for a reason. Leave me be. Why do people insist on instigating?

I'm gonna go train my brain and read something.

P.S. My smart phone isn't so smart.

Adult tantrum

So I've had a lot on my mind lately... and yeah, I know I suck at life because I haven't posted.. eh, get over it. I'm posting now.

So I've been dating this man. I suppose you can say dating, I don't know, been a little gun-shy since The Kid, ya know? Anyhow, I spent the weekend at his apartment and just hung out, did a little homework, watched a few movies, nothing spectacular.  Sunday morning, he throws a little temper-tantrum about the day getting away from him, no big deal.  He's kinda an impassioned type similar to myself so I don't say anything, just let him go.  We finally get around to taking me back to my place, where I've offered to do his laundry to kinda take some of the stress out of his day, and he flips out on his car.  Yes, I meant to write that he flipped out on his car.  He throws his ball cap across the dashboard, pretty forcefully then proceeds to yank, kick and punch his car because the seatbelt doesn't extend when yanked.  He's sitting in the driver's seat yanking on the seatbelt again when I realize I'm terrified and furious.

I'm actually sitting there, stock still, watching this all play out and I'm getting angrier by the second.  I realize I'm actually waiting for the moment his fist or elbow comes flying at my face.  I don't think I've ever been so terrified of actually getting belted in the face.  This is where my anger flames.  I'm furious he's acting worse than a toddler. I'm livid at myself for being so scared. And I'm ENRAGED he's put on this display that scares me so much.  Mind you, he didn't actually yell at me, he was grunting and screaming at the car.  But it's a car, it's not like I was 20 feet away watching this, I'm already seatbelted in the passenger seat frozen still.

I didn't react other than to keep from moving.  Hell the 7 minute drive I was still afraid to make any sudden movements or speak, just in case his fury was simmering under the surface.  I've never been so disappointed in myself, though.  I'm disappointed I allowed myself into that situation.  I think im disappointed that I even bothered to begin with.  He said nice things to me. Fed me all those compliments that actually make me uncomfortable but still feel a little appreciated.  I don't know.  Im still kind of reeling from the whole scene.  It's weird.

He text me Sunday night saying it all had "little to do with" me. HA! More like it had NONE to do with me.  I haven't responded.  I don't feel like absurdities such as those warrant a dignified response from me.  I'm getting out of town this weekend.  I just don't want to bother with new people here anymore.  I leave soon and ya know, maybe that's for the best.

College town, here I come this weekend.  I've missed my friends.  Maybe it's time to just worry about those already in my heart and refrain from adding new strife.

Thinking about this is making my skin crawl, I think I'm going to head out and get in a good workout.  Rocks living in town!  Now the gym is just a 3 min drive instead of 20!!

Keep warm, reader.  Happy February.

2016

Happy New Year family!

I hope everyone survived 2015.  I had a pretty epic kiss-off for 2015.  I celebrated with spectacular gastro-pyrotechnics... Yeah, I should be seriously embarrassed simply because I've never been that sick before but in all actuality, I am glad I had such a great night even if it was a rough landing.

If anyone has stuck it out with me this far, you know 2015 had some highs and some serious lows.  I'm grateful for the connections I have made and the situations I've survived.  They have made me stronger as a whole.  I am not saying I want to have a repeat in 2016 or ever again, but I can appreciate the growth that came from the bullshit '15 dropped.

With this New Year, I've realized I don't need a "New Me," I just need me.  I'm not going to share my hopes and goals for 2016.  I am not going to voice anymore dreams or wishes.  I will keep them, I will help them grow, but I'm learning it doesn't matter if anyone else knows them but me.  I don't need anyone's approval or commentary on my goals, I just need me.  

I will share one wish:  my wish is that everyone finds their "home."  I don't mean a house or a mortgage or the physical definition.  I'm referring to a home full of love.  I wish that the world remembers the love that beats through each of us and creates a "home," or safe harbor, for everyone they meet.  Open your hearts to your neighbor and invite them into your fold.  Remember as humans we are all made of the same basic components.  Elevate yourself and your peers to becoming a community with the world around.  Embrace each other and celebrate life together.  Maybe we can all find a lot of solace within one another.

Welcome to 2016!

Have a Happy New Year and may peace find you all of your days.

Xx,

MiiD

New Changes in Life

Right so I've kinda tanked at writing every day.  Which makes it even worse cos I really feel like I just have so much to share and so many stories I'd like heard.

That being said, I'm taking on a new venture.  I have finally taken the final steps to an actual life long dream of mine.  Come Summer 2016, I will not be in Rio as I had originally hoped, but instead I will be traveling to my country of service embarking on the greatest adventure!  I have joined an international service organization that I've wanted to serve with since I was a little girl.  I am SOOOO stinkin excited!! And since I'm a wannabe writer, I hope to be journaling my adventure.  Not only for my friends and family to join me on my adventures but maybe one day a future volunteer might want some insight as to what I have gone through.  

Now a smarter more prepared person would have begun journaling the day of intent or even application.  I should have started the day I received my invitation.  But I did none of those things....

So from this point forward I will work on documenting my current status and the steps taken til departure.  Once in country I will make it a daily goal to live every moment I can and document those  moments in the quiet time of my day.  Pictures and posts will not be a priority. I hope to return to the times where we as humans engaged in life around us and used reflection as a time to write about it.  

My goal is to live and share that life.

So there will be a new blog thread soon.  I'm making a full creative blogger that will still be connected to these two but allows me to have all my thoughts some what organized.

Also, since I'm learning some programming, expect these pages to start looking wicked cool.... Assuming I can put my classwork to good use!

I will continue to entry on each blog as I can and feel the need to.  Any and all comments, questions, concerns etc are always welcome!

I love you for reading any of these posts and sticking with me over the last couple of really rough years. I appreciate you more than I'll ever be able to fully express!  

See you soon!!!

XxMiiDXx

Star Charts

So I thought I'd be silly and check out this star chart from when I was born.

I am actually a little surprised how accurate this thing is... I'll let you read a bit about me...

Rising Sign is in 04 Degrees Capricorn 
You are practical and reserved but very ambitious. An achiever and a hard worker, you respect success. Older looking and very serious as a youth, things lighten up and you relax more as you mature. You have a serious view of the world as being a difficult place to be in. Very envious of those who seem to have an easier life than you have, relaxation and play do not come easily. It is important that you had abundant parental support as a child so that you do not feel lonely and isolated as an adult. Generally, you have a good, earthy sense of humor that can carry you through when times really do get tough. You are purposeful, self-willed, industrious, realistic and responsible. 

Sun is in 18 Degrees Cancer. 
Very emotional and sensitive, you have an intuitive understanding of the "vibes" around you. You tend to be quite generous, giving, loving and caring, but only when your own needs for emotional support, love and security have been met. If they are not met, you tend to withdraw into yourself and become very insecure and selfish. Your home and family (especially your mother or the person who played that role for you early on) represent security for you and thus assume a larger-than-life importance. Very sentimental, you have vivid and long- enduring memories of the past. No matter how well adjusted you are, you will always need a secret quiet place of your own in order to feel at peace. Feeding others can give you great pleasure you would enjoy being part of a large family. 

Moon is in 24 Degrees Sagittarius. 
An idealist, you prefer the grand, the beautiful, the good and the noble. You get very disappointed when your high expectations in life are not met. Very curious by nature, you enjoy traveling and learning about other peoples and cultures. Try to avoid your tendency to ignore the small but important details of living. You are independent and free, and you want others to be that way, too. Optimistic, buoyant and cheerful, others like to have you around. You have an incessant desire to learn as much as possible about metaphysics, religion, philosophy and any other broad, deep subject. Your life tends to be punctuated by bursts of energy and frenetic activity. 

Mercury is in 07 Degrees Leo. 
You are usually quite convinced that your own ideas are correct and you enjoy persuading others that they are. At times, you are very stubborn and proud of your beliefs and principles, and you get very defensive when they are challenged. You appreciate truth and honesty -- you practice it yourself and expect it in others. You have good talent for organizing, directing and planning. You delight in being asked for your advice and counsel. 

Venus is in 25 Degrees Cancer. 
You like to be very close to other people. You need emotional support yourself and are willing to give it to others. When you feel unloved and insecure, you can be very jealous and possessive. You are not interested in casual or superficial relationships -- only deep emotional involvements interest you. Your faithful devotion is one of your greatest gifts, but be careful not to become too dependent on others. Learn to stand on your own two feet and demand your own rights once in a while. 

Mars is in 14 Degrees Scorpio. 
Your likes and dislikes are strong and intense, never casual or superficial. You are known for your persistence and willful obsession. Once you have decided on a course of action, you are unstoppable. Your emotional actions tend to be extreme, although you try to keep them muted. You are not quick to anger, you do slow burns. And you tend to release your anger as sarcasm or irony. Beware of your tendency to hold grudges and to be vengeful. When you do fight, or release your internal tensions, you do so body and soul -- you become totally passionate and your outbursts are awesome to behold. 

Jupiter is in 06 Degrees Capricorn. 
You tend to feel that the only results that are worthwhile are the results that are concrete and demonstrable. You distrust abstract solutions and appreciate measurable achievements. An excellent organizer and planner, you are optimistic as well as practical and realistic about what can and what cannot happen. Very responsible, you consider it a personal weakness to be wrong about anything. This makes you appropriately cautious. You are very efficient but you tend to be cool and detached.

Saturn is in 09 Degrees Scorpio. 
You tend to release emotional energies only very reluctantly. This is partly due to your fear of what horrible calamity might occur should they be released -- your emotions are terribly complicated and intense. Try not to repress these energies entirely, however, or you will succumb to negative and destructive forms of compulsive behavior. Give yourself the freedom to look awkward or silly once in a while. The relief you feel will be quite therapeutic and the embarrassment (whether it is real or imagined) will pass quickly. 

Uranus is in 10 Degrees Sagittarius. 
You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world. 

Neptune is in 29 Degrees Sagittarius. 
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village." 

Pluto is in 29 Degrees Libra. 
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly. 

N. Node is in 06 Degrees Gemini. 
You will consciously seek out many different contacts with others throughout your life. Many of these will be of very short duration, not necessarily because you're fickle, but just because you always seem to be more excited by the prospect of meeting someone new rather than prolonging your present relationships. At any rate, you will learn something new from almost everyone you come across -- intellectual stimulation is what you crave from others. You will be well known to neighbors and relatives, partly due to your curiosity about what they're doing -- you delight in keeping up-to-date about the latest news (and gossip).