Catharsis

Emotion is a huge part of the human body.  It seems odd since there is no little organ that whose sole purpose is to control said emotion.  The heart, well the heart pumps blood to the body... look it up, it's in EVERY biology book ever written (one would assume).  But emotion doesn't have a funny little organ to poke and prod at.  Did you know that if you do not "deal" with emotion in the appropriate time frame, it creates a hormone build up in your muscles (thank you Anna)?  Thus creating knots.. Hence why massages, MRIs, and electrotherapy are so emotionally draining.

I'm sure I have a Himalayan sized cluster of knots all over my back...

Finals ended Wednesday.  I finished work today.  An earth-shattering tragedy happened yesterday.  Graduation is in five months.  Everything from the last year of my life has been bundled into my muscles and without anymore immediate stress, I think my body is finally giving me a big "FU" and rebelling from the repression of emotion.

I have always been a little tender-hearted.... okay, maybe a lot tender-hearted...  But as an adult you'd never really know that about me unless you are one of the few that sees me around my birthday and Christmas.  For some reason those are really the hardest times of the year for me.  It's not the relationship demanding holidays or the school beginning holidays... It's the family holidays.  I am lucky I found my brother's family and we spend Christmases together now, but there is so much more that I just don't have in my life anymore.  I sometimes feel as if the only family I have left are my parents, my aunt, and my brother & his family.  That seems like a lot, but I miss my family-family.  The family I grew up with.  My mom's two sisters and one brother, my Granny and Grandad, my seven cousins, my extended older family with my great aunts and uncles and second cousins.... I miss feeling like I had a home wherever I went because I always knew family HAD to accept me... Even when we drove one another nuts.   I don't have that anymore.  I have a family that truly accepts me and they are warm and loving and mine.  One is not better than the other, they are just different.  I would never favor one over the other... but this family I visit every holiday I can, and chat with between classes, this family chose me.  They actively sought me out when the family I grew up with pushed me away.

It makes my heart heavy to know how much I have missed with my mother's family, and how much more I will miss in the future.  We never really know how long of a future we will have.

I think that's why I'm so weepy tonight.  Hearing about those children that were murdered at school yesterday and then thinking of my own babies in my family.. it just hurt soo much.  I can't even imagine what those families and that entire community are going through.  What kind of world have we created when someone walks into a school and guns down little kids?!?  I mean my CYB kids made me crazy but I could never EVER imagine someone doing anything so heinous!  It takes a special kind of evil to do something like that.

But see now this leads me to another emotional dilemma: what kind of a world do we live in where violence happens around the world like that EVERY DAY but all we notice is when it's on our own land?  Why don't we care enough about our neighbors?  Why must there always be such a power struggle??  How did we let it get this far?  Why aren't we all working towards stopping violence towards one another??  You want to fight, fine, fight.. Beat the crap out of one another... hell you can even shoot each other.... JUST LEAVE THE REST OF US OUT OF IT!!!

You want to make a statement? Grab a pen.  That was the intention behind its invention.  Use it!

I feel like EVERYTHING is a political platform now.  Can't we all just live our lives?

I guess I'm just not smart enough to understand how this world has gotten so out of control.  I realize that this era that we live in now is supposed to be the least violent in human history, but let's look at this again... Really??  It's less violent but we are turning that violence on innocents?  It may have been much more brutal in B.C. eras, but I'm sure that wasn't aimed at children in schools or people congregated in a movie theater or gathered in a church for worship.....  In my short life time (although several seem to think that I'm old) I have seen reports of all of these instances.  When do we all finally take a stand together and say enough is enough??

I miss my family.

I am stressed out about my life in and out of school.

I am awestruck with the ignorance and hatred in this world.

I am looking for a brighter day.

I never really thought I'd use this phrase, but I will forever be: "buscanda esperanza."

Love each other.  Hug someone you care about.  Smile at everyone you pass.  Make just one someone's day brighter.

No More!!!

I'm tired of hearing bureaucratic nonsense every time something horrible happens. I'm tired of hearing about warriors being disrespected. I'm tired of people bastardizing the Bill of Rights for their own personal crap.

Here's the deal: YOU don't have any write to tell me what I can and cannot believe, nor do I have any rights to keep you from your beliefs... BUT it's my freedom of MY FREE SPEECH to tell you to back off of my practice of religion. Picketing a funeral for anyone is disgraceful; picketing funerals for children that were murdered at school... You should be ashamed. Do you really think your god would approve of that?!?!?? God's word (not just the Judeo-Christian God but all higher powers really) speaks of love and respect. How dare anyone intentionally disrespect the dead!!!

Westboro "Baptist Church," I don't know what god YOU pray to, but mine and the first baptist church people I know... He sure as hell fire would NOT APPROVE of your ridiculousness!!!

NewEnglanders, help your fellow people... I've decided they need a support wall. There are so many of us that are bothered by the crap that is spouted from the "Westboro Church".... People take your complaining selfs and go build a wall of people between stupidity and decency. Seriously. Lets do this! Why should we as human beings allow such hatred and ignorance marr the solemnity of these children's funerals. I'm tired of talking and complaining. I'm ready to move.

First week of school

I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. My classes intimidate me although I don't think they should. I feel lost and discombobulated. I don't know which way to go...

At least there is a cute Aussie exchange student around to guide me....

Hyde Park

Roses.

The roses are so fragrant. Even this late in the year. The perfume is what drew me in. I was walking towards the bandstand from Queen Elizabeth's Gate and the softest scent drew me to the left. It is a medley of amorous odors. From the tea roses to the antiques, the smell can't be captured by words. It lightens the heart and fogs the mind. I now understand what chemist are attempting to replicate in perfume bottles. I would hoped to be bathed in this scent forever. It's comforting, it's warm, it's home.

Camden

Camden Town/Lock/Market is brilliant!!!

The sights, smells, sounds, and shopping!!!

It's all so captivating!

I would buy more if I were just a train ride home. There are music shops, dress stalls, food stands, accessory walls, and crates full of records to pick through. This place is fantastic!

You can't walk 5 steps without a whole new slew of sensory stimulation. The community has this feeling of freedom and peace. It's as if the works had turned its back on these people but Camden has given them a haven to live and be free.

It's a wonder the rest of the world hasn't found a since of community like this.. I don't feel judgement or persecution. I feel love and acceptance, even as an American.

I'm content here. I'm confident here. I'm already looking forward to my next visit.


I'll note, I've never had Ethiopian food but after walking past that stall, I can't wait to try it!!

And the Stables are BRILLIANT!!!!!

Crystal Palace Dinosaurs

It's been a wicked good trip. Spending time with my two favorite kids and my oldest and closest friends has been amazing so far.

I can't help but imagining my life in London. Where would I live? What would I do? There are just so many possibilities. It makes me think about next year.

I'm to graduate in a little under a year. What happens then? I barely write as is, how am I hoping to be published?!?!? Everything feels...

Unstable.

I wonder what lies ahead for me. I know what I want, but am I really willing to achieve my goals? Do I have the courage to live my dreams? Where do I find my bravery? My strength?

It isn't daring to dream, it's daring to achieve those dreams.

Soaring High

The sky is beautiful tonight. I'm catching a rare view from up here.
The moon is half and it's warm golden reflection bounces off the rivers of Newfoundland.
Even with the cloud cover that now obscures the mass of Greenland and the ocean's surface, the glow of the moon gives the sky a erethral ambiance.

I'm mesmerised by the possibilities. Maybe this trip, I'll find what I am looking for.

*Vent* NSFW Presumptions

Here's my deal.

I logged onto a particular website and I made a list of what I am sexually interested in. I chose to participate in an alternative lifestyle..

BUT

That does not mean that I am to be disrespected. That does not mean that I don't expect you to try.

I may be a bit of a "kink" but I am definitely old fashioned. You will have to actually ask me out. You will have to actually ASK for my number. And you DO NOT get to assume that you know me simply because I answered a few things on a website.

C'mon people!!! There is an art to dating. If you do not want to put forth the effort, then what are you doing? This is not a "hook up" site. For if it is, I will remove EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY!!!

I still like to have my hand held while we walk. I still LOVE to share subtle touches and sweet kisses, but you should not expect them immediately. I am not a machine, nor am I a dog.

Please respect your significant other by remembering they may very well like the gushy stuff sometimes too...

NSFW Sex and Sexuality

Sex.

I can't find release. I have an adequate partner but no release or relief comes to me. I want him to spank me. I want him to shove me to the bed or up against the wall and pound into me. I want him to tie me down and have his wicked way. I want him to use his strength and bend and mold me how he wants me. I want him to wake me in the middle of the night by pushing into me hard. I want his hands rough and purposeful all over my body. I want him to command and control my body. I need him to be aggressive and violent. What's wrong with me??!?!??

I love his affection. I love when he holds me. I love his sweet kisses and soft caresses. I love when he takes me soft and slow. I love everything about the gentle way he touches and cares for me.

But, sometimes, I need him to fuck me and fuck me hard.

Is that wrong?? Will that finally get me to my release?? I imagine the rough and naughty things he could do to me and I can find it... But will his actions take me there?? Will there ever be a time for me to just..... Come??



Sexuality.

Why must it be so defined?

Do you know our society stresses so much over "gay", "straight", "bi", blahblahblabblittyblah!!

Here's the deal...

I am very aware of my sexuality. I am aware of my sensuality as well. Why do I have to wear a label of my sexual orientation?? What does it matter, and to whom?!? I am attracted to attributes of a person. I'm not attracted to their chromosomal makeup!

Man or woman, transgender or transvestite, I don't really care what you chose.

Love does not have restrictions, so why must we continuously attempt to bind it to such frivolous ideals? Sure you can blame it on religion, but think of it this way... why would a God that is so great and so awesome create so many beings with open-hearts, open-minds, and loving bodies? If it is such an abomination to love openly, why did God make us so?? Why is it that you think your fear and your naivety gives you the right, nay duty, to curse and belittle others?

Maybe we should all take a reality check and figure out what the true meaning of love is....

Might just be shocked at what you realize....