Adult tantrum

So I've had a lot on my mind lately... and yeah, I know I suck at life because I haven't posted.. eh, get over it. I'm posting now.

So I've been dating this man. I suppose you can say dating, I don't know, been a little gun-shy since The Kid, ya know? Anyhow, I spent the weekend at his apartment and just hung out, did a little homework, watched a few movies, nothing spectacular.  Sunday morning, he throws a little temper-tantrum about the day getting away from him, no big deal.  He's kinda an impassioned type similar to myself so I don't say anything, just let him go.  We finally get around to taking me back to my place, where I've offered to do his laundry to kinda take some of the stress out of his day, and he flips out on his car.  Yes, I meant to write that he flipped out on his car.  He throws his ball cap across the dashboard, pretty forcefully then proceeds to yank, kick and punch his car because the seatbelt doesn't extend when yanked.  He's sitting in the driver's seat yanking on the seatbelt again when I realize I'm terrified and furious.

I'm actually sitting there, stock still, watching this all play out and I'm getting angrier by the second.  I realize I'm actually waiting for the moment his fist or elbow comes flying at my face.  I don't think I've ever been so terrified of actually getting belted in the face.  This is where my anger flames.  I'm furious he's acting worse than a toddler. I'm livid at myself for being so scared. And I'm ENRAGED he's put on this display that scares me so much.  Mind you, he didn't actually yell at me, he was grunting and screaming at the car.  But it's a car, it's not like I was 20 feet away watching this, I'm already seatbelted in the passenger seat frozen still.

I didn't react other than to keep from moving.  Hell the 7 minute drive I was still afraid to make any sudden movements or speak, just in case his fury was simmering under the surface.  I've never been so disappointed in myself, though.  I'm disappointed I allowed myself into that situation.  I think im disappointed that I even bothered to begin with.  He said nice things to me. Fed me all those compliments that actually make me uncomfortable but still feel a little appreciated.  I don't know.  Im still kind of reeling from the whole scene.  It's weird.

He text me Sunday night saying it all had "little to do with" me. HA! More like it had NONE to do with me.  I haven't responded.  I don't feel like absurdities such as those warrant a dignified response from me.  I'm getting out of town this weekend.  I just don't want to bother with new people here anymore.  I leave soon and ya know, maybe that's for the best.

College town, here I come this weekend.  I've missed my friends.  Maybe it's time to just worry about those already in my heart and refrain from adding new strife.

Thinking about this is making my skin crawl, I think I'm going to head out and get in a good workout.  Rocks living in town!  Now the gym is just a 3 min drive instead of 20!!

Keep warm, reader.  Happy February.

2016

Happy New Year family!

I hope everyone survived 2015.  I had a pretty epic kiss-off for 2015.  I celebrated with spectacular gastro-pyrotechnics... Yeah, I should be seriously embarrassed simply because I've never been that sick before but in all actuality, I am glad I had such a great night even if it was a rough landing.

If anyone has stuck it out with me this far, you know 2015 had some highs and some serious lows.  I'm grateful for the connections I have made and the situations I've survived.  They have made me stronger as a whole.  I am not saying I want to have a repeat in 2016 or ever again, but I can appreciate the growth that came from the bullshit '15 dropped.

With this New Year, I've realized I don't need a "New Me," I just need me.  I'm not going to share my hopes and goals for 2016.  I am not going to voice anymore dreams or wishes.  I will keep them, I will help them grow, but I'm learning it doesn't matter if anyone else knows them but me.  I don't need anyone's approval or commentary on my goals, I just need me.  

I will share one wish:  my wish is that everyone finds their "home."  I don't mean a house or a mortgage or the physical definition.  I'm referring to a home full of love.  I wish that the world remembers the love that beats through each of us and creates a "home," or safe harbor, for everyone they meet.  Open your hearts to your neighbor and invite them into your fold.  Remember as humans we are all made of the same basic components.  Elevate yourself and your peers to becoming a community with the world around.  Embrace each other and celebrate life together.  Maybe we can all find a lot of solace within one another.

Welcome to 2016!

Have a Happy New Year and may peace find you all of your days.

Xx,

MiiD