*Vent* Just Me....

I'm just me.

I can't be anyone else because I'm just me. That's it. No bells, no whistles, no colorful tassels, no furry earmuffs. This is me bare before you.

I'm not sure how one would further describe this vulnerability I share with you now. To know I am this open to the world around me, especially to you, and to feel how quickly you raise your sword and pierce the flesh. The wounds are so deep that I fear none will ever mend. Do you feel better? Does some magical weight lift from you because you have cut me so? Will you sleep peacefully knowing that you've dissected my heart? That you've done all you can to appear to be this wonderful person, when in fact you still berate all around you, slowly taking a pound of flesh each time. I love you. You are one a the few people I can truly say I love and still you squalor my love as if is a never ending stream.

It kills me.

Truly, honestly kills me.

How can I begin to mend and allow others in my heart? The one constant in my life turns out to be constant in their delivery of pain. I am not a horrible person. I have literally given my last dollar. I do extend myself to strangers. I am open to be loving and obviously forgiving. And all without recognition... yet you claim I'm the ungrateful, I'm the spoiled, and I'm the rude person you "can't believe" you've ever met...

Shame on you.

You call and give as willingly as ever when you know there are others to comment or just make note of your good deeds. You love to talk highly of others because then you are the person that is just so proud of others. Yet in our dark, dirty little corner... I know who you really are. I know the maliciousness in your tone when you are "only trying to help". I have felt the pain from your own hand. Tell me again why I am the horrible one. Oh wait, I remember.. I'm the one that ran from you. I'm the one that 'made you do it'. You had to control me better. Right? That's the reason, isn't it. That's what you've convinced yourself of, correct?

Shame on you.

No one thinks about you, right? No one thinks of your feelings, you are always last to be considered right? No one is ever nice to you. Everyone is always mean, and always saying hateful things. Everyone takes advantage of you. Even your own. You are always all alone because of everyone else's doing. You are always, always wronged. Yet you forget that you have had people who do wonderful things for you. Plan surprises, only to have you overlook them or ruin them, or worse yet, complain of them. Offer things you want and need or just something you will like, yet you never care for any of it. You destroy the nice things you say you need and then complain of it.

Shame on you!

You have been so busy all these years picking out the reasons to not do something or finding the one misplaced word in a conversation that starts a fight. You have claimed that you have been ignored and mistreated. You have claimed innocence in all of this. Yet you have NEVER taken a good look at the situation for what it is. A poor attempt at manipulation.

Shame on me...

Shame on me for allowing you to bog my heart and my mind down so much. You've spoken your last hateful word to me. You've lain your hand on me for the last time. I will not be anyone's whipping boy. I will not be anyone's cause for martyrship. I can roam this world without you. That is not impossible. I've done it thus far. My life will continue as will yours. The world will still turn, but you will never be able to hold me down again. I'm allowing myself to be free.

I guess I should thank you for the many years of abuse. At least now, I know I can handle a beating when delivered. Both mentally and physically. Even emotionally, I've got this. Looks as if I'll serve well....

Thanks.