Writing righting...

I want to be a writer.  I want to write for myself and for others.  I feel submersed with no direction because I cannot figure out a way to get out what I want to say.  I'm not even sure I know what I want to say.

I've applied to a university for graduate studies in creative writing.  I'm hoping that will help me figure out what I want to write and how to go about writing it.

I keep reading blogs telling me I am my own procrastinator.  I have writer's block because I have doubt.  I need to deny the doubt to promote the writing.  I just don't know what I'm doing.

I feel bemused.

~~**~~

The Boy makes things better.  He's great with the hugs and the technical stuff.  I absolutely adore him, there is no question of that.  Even when he makes me insane, I still care a lot about him.  That makes me wonder if I'm changing the rules, although I'm not sure we've ever actually set rules for this nonsense.  I find myself taking into account his opinion more often than not.  Hell, I even let him take an active participation in what I wear.  I tend to catch myself dressing to his appeals.  And mine, but I still consider his reactions.

I don't know what happened to me that I don't make decisions for myself much anymore.  I mean I'm sure I could look back and reflect on situations that could have brought me to this point.  But still... Why have I seem to have backed down from everything??

I know I've been called a "bully" by some of my family.  I don't think I am.  I think I'm just strong willed and when I present a valid argument to a disagreement, I'm called a "BULLY."  What the hell is that?  I think it's absolutely absurd how some people throw words around as if they know what the hell they are talking about.

Seriously!  I feel like many people should be given dictionaries and thesauruses for presents this year.  Just because a word has become part of "popular culture" doesn't mean that it is used correctly, nor does it mean it should be used at all!  I'm not saying "bully" is an inappropriate word.  I'm saying that someone that stands up for their own beliefs and thoughts should not be called a "bully," or "bitch" for that matter, simply because you disagree.  It's childish to resort to name calling, in the first place.  Secondly, no one is forcing you to agree, you just need to be open to accepting that is their position and leave it at that.  We are a society full of nonsensical people and too much technology, we have lost our social interactions to a degree that people do not know how to respond to one another anymore.  It's hostile and demeaning, who wants to deal with all of that??

Ugh!  I'm over today as a whole...

I guess I should keep blogging though...

So Grumpy had surgery last week.  He had his kidney removed due to a large tumor located in it.  Come to find out once they pulled the organ out, they kept it enveloped in the layer of fat surrounding it, which was a very good thing, because that layer of fat had another even larger tumor in it.  So Grumpy has had a major battle with cancer in several forms at this point.  That renal cell though could have actually done him in.  Supposedly we are on the mend now, but I guess only time will tell.  He's 9 days post-op and relocated to the Hospital Stupid near the house.  Swelling has increased and he has a new massive bruising beyond the incision, so I guess we will see what that becomes.  DQ is kinda crazy with all this surgery/cancer stuff.  I'm not even sure she remembers herself most days.  Who knows.  It's all a little bizarre in our world right now.

But the Boy is good.  The Boy is sweet.  The Boy woke me up this morning when he came in from the library at 3am.  It was oddly easier to sleep with him home.  Amazing how a bed can go from feeling foreign and uncomfortable to perfect with the addition of one person.  I just hope I make someone feel that way one day.

Okay, I'm seriously annoying myself.  I'm gonna go attempt to be productive.  I have a memoir to pen.  

Wish me luck, blogspot.

xxmiid

Points in our lives

At what point in our lives does a action become a dictation of our character?  When does a "night out with the girls" turn you into an irresponsible drunkard?  How can a relationship with someone for you the title of "cougar"?  Why does it all have to come with labels?  Why can't we be who we are and be appreciated for that?!?

I have recently made a choice in my personal life to become physically involved with a friend.  This friend is quite a bit younger than me but our intellectual and mental levels are similar.  We are great friends and we click well physically, most of the time.  Why should it matter we are almost a decade apart?  That doesn't change our chemistry.  It doesn't dictate what topics we discuss or how well we work together.  It just works.  Why is it I almost feel shamed when people bring up our age difference?!?

Since when do I care what anyone else thinks, first and foremost?  And what kind of a person am I that I let people, who are completely inconsequential to my life, have any judgement or even comment about my relationships?!?  I am an adult.  I don't need some stupid radio personality calling me foul names like "cradle robber" or "cougar"!  I don't need to feel shamed that I've found someone who is in the exact same place I am (mentally and emotionally) and we get along great!  The fact we tolerate each other is a testament alone.  But we actually get along well and learn from each other daily.  What's wrong with that?!?  I am an old soul, I always have been.  It's nice to finally get to feel young and free for once in my life. I don't think I should be condemned for that.  I'm not hurting anyone.  We aren't breaking any laws.  And there is no grounds for moral ambiguity. So what's the big friggin deal?!?

I wish, more often than not, that people would just STEP OFF!

Compensation

I have tears and I need to share.

So I received an envelope from my aunt Ja.  I was expecting something silly like a news article, a note, a sticker or even a magnet, something that falls into our typical relationship.  Instead, I find an envelope with money.  Now I know most of you would be stoked about that.  I'm not a rich person--in fact I'm broke-- but this envelope full of cash hurts my heart in more ways than one.

So a few months/weeks/whoknows ago, my cousins in the panhandle ran into a little medical "snaffu," so to speak.  My eldest cousin Elvis has two beautiful children with a very rare genetic condition.  Their health is severely impacted by fat. 

But, MiiD, everyone's health is impacted by fat.

Yes, but they are special and I'll tell you why.  SC&PBCup have a protein lacking in their body that breaks down fat.  The average person carries an enzyme that can break down the daily intake of fat, keeping the blood vessels free of the excess. SC&PBC don't have that enzyme so the fat doesn't get broken down.  

That's sad, but I'm missing the point...

There is a over the counter weight loss pill that can help SC&PBC break down the lipids (fats) in their body.  Elvis found out the company was recalling the newest batch so there was concern the kids wouldn't have what they need.  

Me, being the lazy person I am, bought some pills (before we knew the kids could use them) to assist in my incessant battle with the scales.  (See, I'm so lazy I didn't even finish taking them... Sheesh!) Knowing Elvis couldn't get what they needed, I posted mine to them.  I mean come on, they are family!!! Who wouldn't send them, right??

So here's the weepy part.  I received that envelope with cash and a very nice little note about being a saviour for sending the pills.  But, man.  It hurts to read that.  I think about it and I'm disgusted with myself.

I've been waging a war in my brain since opening that envelope.  The campaign is smashing valuable brain cells, but then I think what the hell am I using them for?!!?

Those kids were diagnosed when I was still a teen, I could have really made something of myself and become a doctor or something to help them.  But I didn't.  I got a degree in literature--what the hell??!?!??

As if that's not enough to just disgust myself, my conscience does a real number on me with the rest of the battles....

I think, how awful of a person must I be that a "blessing" sent to my family would have a reciprocation attached?  Do people think I expect to be compensated?  Or worse, do I expect people to think I need to be compensated??!?  It hurts so much to think that my family could think so little of me.  It guts me further to think I have given them reason to think such heinous things.  

Then I worry, is this how my family has received assistance before??  They expect to pay people for the basics they need to survive!!??!? What an awful way to live!!!  Not that they should expect things for free, but why is it that someone can't send something without any "buts", "ifs", "ors", etc?  Has society allowed us to become this dastardly?!????

I grew up in a large family.  I know I don't share about them much because, really, I've not seen all of them at once in probably 10 years or longer.  But I've never stopped loving their crazy, stupid, and ridiculous selves.  I love hearing about their kids and what they've been up to.  I miss them all dearly.  We may not get on as well as we all used to, but they are still my blood.   And I'll be damned if I will second guess giving anything to any one that needs it, especially my family!

Elvis or his family needed a kidney, I'd drive into the city to get tested as a match.  There is no hesitation, no question.

I am plagued now by this "blessing," as my Aunt Ja says, I have received in return.  My task was so trivial it really didn't make sense not to send the bottle.  It wasn't much.  It wasn't even a full bottle, but it was all I had.  I would have shopped the entire state for them if they needed.  But for one silly little bottle that was already in my medicine cabinet... I just can't think.  I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this whole situation.

I like to think I am not such a selfish person.  I hope I'm not.  Now if one of my siblings came asking for a kidney.... Ahh, I might stop and think on that for a minute or two first.  ;)

I think I need to evaluate my relationship with Elvis and his family, including his mum Aunt Ja, and then reevaluate the way I conduct myself. 

If you lack and I have the spare, I hope you know I will be there.

Xx,

MiiD 

Writing

So I've begun a challenge for myself.  I'm writing every day, now.  It's probably crap but at least I'm putting something down. I wrote a new scene for my SM manuscript.  It's rough and REALLY needs a good clean up, but I feel the potential there.  I feel like I don't know what I'm doing most days.  Life is sometimes a struggle just for the day-to-day, add to that my misdirection and complete lack of motivation... Life hates me right now.  Sometimes I don't blame it.

DQ says I should write my story first.  The story of how my heart broke and never really healed right.  I've thought about it a few times.  I hate that story.  It still hurts.  I wonder if maybe I should write it out, but how does one begin that?  "Once upon a time..." "Call me Stupid.." None of those seem very fitting however accurate some may be.

I wonder if I should write a letter to the person that broke me so stinkin' well that every single man in my life now has a  mark on him.  It is because of him I wait.  I wait til the punch line falls now.  I wait for that same moment I have subconsciously relived every day since I was 13.  Maybe I should write him a letter.  Tell him how he broke me.  Tell him that of all the things in my life he could have preyed upon, he picked the ONE THING that sliced me open.  That blade cut through bone with its sharpened edge.  I can still feel the blood weeping from that little girl's heart.  Maybe I should tell him how much he's always meant to me?  How screwed up I am now? How it infuriates me that since 5 he has been a constant in the back of my mind?  

What good would that do anyone??  It's not as if he'll remember how much I once meant to him, or at least he pretend I meant to him.  He probably won't be moved to respond with an acknowledgement of his wrongdoings, let alone an apology.  It's been 16 years since he gutted me in public.  Why would he even bother now? 

 Why should I?

Oh right.  Because it is still effecting me.  His actions as an adolesent dumbass haunt me well into my adulthood.  What the hell??  I'm inclined to slap him when I think about it too hard.  What sucks the most is I'd still do anything for him.....

New Year, New Pen?

So it's 2014.  Right, you have calendars, you know this.  I am making some rather large changes in my life.  I've not been heading in the right direction--or any direction, really-- in the last months so this year brings about a plethora of New.

Let's recap 2013, shall we??

Spent New Years 2013 in Dallas at a club a high school friend played at.  We came home hoping for a new year with new stuff and we DEFINITELY GOT IT!!  

Went to London for Spring Break (not new) on a school field trip with my class (very new).  Had a brilliant time even though I visited A&E whilst there.  Saw my English family, whom I miss dearly EVERYDAY (again not new).  Came home and got the flu for the first time in my life. It was miserable, I highly recommend avoiding at all costs!!

Let's see moved in with Nanna and K-Lee for the summer. Met lovely new neighbors from Louisiana with a massive Dane.  They have truly become such wonderful friends.

July, we acquired a small emaciated puppy from the neighbors across the cul-de-sac, under false pretenses (said they found him but we later found out they picked him from the liter and just didn't take care of him-- not friends with said neighbors), who has lovingly become a strong and very spirited member of our family.

Grumpy had another surgery in May and his neck collar came off (FINALLY) in August.  I graduated university (yes, another FINALLY).  DQ broke her foot and had to wear a boot for MONTHS.

T1 and T2 both came home from Afghanistan.  

River married T1 in November, on national television.  Nanna and I were among the bridesmaids.  The wedding was beautiful and River & T1 both looked so happy.  Steve Harvey was so wonderful to them in giving them a gorgeous wedding.

This last month has been a marathon of stop and go.  Grumpy went to the hospital again. Hospice was considered.  Christmas was in Cross Plains, like always but then the following weekend was in Siloam Springs, Arkansas with Crz and her family.

Since arriving back from Arkansas (4 days ago, mind you), the plan for 2014 has been idealized.  Conceptualization will actually take place in the next 6-8 weeks, but the family is going on a trip.  Since I am without a career and prospects are slight, I have plenty of opportunity to assist DQ with caring for Grumpy.  The recent events of late December prove that days are numbered and life is moving a little too quickly for them on their own.  So, that being said, 29 December 2013, my parents and I decided we will journey through the US for a few months.  This will give Grumpy an opportunity to reminisce and get out, DQ can travel and see the country, and I can guarantee they are a little bit safer by taking on the bulk of the driving and loading/unloading.  Seeing the US via Route 66 and Hwy 1 will give me an open door to write daily and inspiration to give voice to the stories in my mind.  I feel this is a mostly selfish trip on my part since I do get to travel and see the things I've always wanted to.... I worry that maybe I should voice the dangers of traveling so far for so long. Maybe my sensible side will kick in??  

I guess I should ruminate on this a bit more.

Tonight, I've just had a wonderful evening.  My roommate and I cook a supper of turkey sausage, cabbage, and black-eyed peas.   We toasted the new year with an old bottle of Jameson before tucking into our supper whilst watching Pride & Prejudice.  I always forget how much I love that story...

Already I'm having a wonderfully positive year: my roommate shared her luck in the form of black-eyed peas and my neighbors shared their wealth in the form of cabbage with us for our supper. To which we watch Pride & Prejudice.  May everyone have a year filled with love for and from one another.

Either way, as of the end of January, my address will change.  I hope this journey I am on is the correct one.  

Here's hoping I am strong enough to write every single day.

Without Wax,

Sj