breathe *Mind D.E.D.*

wow... I need some air....

Life feels as if it's so busy I've barely the time to breathe right now.

I wonder, often, what I've gotten myself into.  Am I taking on too much? Is this really what I want? Does this change who I am??  I have a TON going through my brain... ugh it's hard to keep the mind quiet.  Sounds like a rebellion going on up there tonight... Soo much turmoil.

Well tomorrow will prove to be yet another SUPER EFFIN LONG day!!!  And not the good kinda long... the crappy kinda long... ugh... maybe I can find me some good kinda long afterwards... HA HA!

Okay so officially, The Mind has checked out for the evening.  All that's left are the smutty chickens we are!!  Heehee... ooh time to get some WallBanger on... just cos I love that story... anyone wanna read... it's REALLY REALLY GOOD.... mmmm WallBanger...

Night Chickens!!

Family Tradition

Every where has tradition.  Every culture carries their own traditions and traditions that have been transferred from other cultures.  Like Christmas.  Christmas is a tradition that dates back so far I can't actually remember when the first appearance of St. Nick was.  The furthest I can remember is Holland in the 1200 I think.
(that project was from 18 years ago, at least I remember that part of it).  Now anyone that knows me, knows how big I am into certain traditions.   Well this weekend is a 21 year tradition we've had.  It's a blast for the most part, although this year some of it seems to be a little uncomfortable.   For the most part the kids had a blast and were featured on TV several times.  (that last part was kinda weird though, if you see me, yes I did look REALLY REALLY rough! ha!)  My favorite hotel was okay although I love their bathrooms.  Trust me I shoulda taken a damn picture of the bloody thing, I swear it's bigger than my entire flat!!! . . . and their garden tubs.... let's just say I would not complain about life if I had a tub like that in my flat. *le sigh*

So now I'm sittin up at the lake enjoying the radio with my Daddy.  And yes he's old enough that the radio and a deck of cards (or a few) is Sunday entertainment.  My Daddy.  He's older than Moses (his words, not mine), but he's one of the most crotchety yet gentle person I've ever met.  The dogs love him (although my Lily Pad is the only animal that has ever bit him).  He can talk about almost anything.  He's just a wonderful man.  And in all honesty it's quiet times like this that I really savor with him.  He's like a gentle stream in the woods.  He may have a few boulders for a bit of a rocky ride but most of the time he's just this peaceful flow.  He's some place you can sit calmly and quietly next to and just be.  Helps clear out all the clutter the mind can create.  He's really under appreciated for his magical power, but he really has one.   My Daddy can make ANYTHING simple.  It's a simple yes or no. You want something or you don't.  Life is just simple.  Dogs are  great company.  A movie or biography will keep him occupied.  He's eager to understand things, but it's not necessary for him to live his life.  He's a wonderful man.

I've had alot of troubles in my life and really the day I decided to move in with my Daddy (as temporary as it was) I saw a clearer idea of life.  It doesn't have to be a rat race everyday for the best job or best apartment or the most money.  As long as you have a way around, a place to sleep, some food in your belly, and a dog for some company anything else is just an added bonus.  We should all be so lucky to live in such simplicity.

If you ever wonder why I act or do some of the things I do, take a look at my parents.  Separately.  I've been lucky enough to have spent time with them each individually.  And that's just them.  Some habits are good some habits are bad but I've learned almost everything about my personality from them and being observant of myself.   It was my Daddy that allowed me to be comfortable with just me.  And Lily of course helped on that too.

So yeah I guess that's about all I have to share today.  Tomorrow I'll be back to the grind, hopefully today's clarity won't escape too quickly.

Here's hoping y'all find some calm space today.

What Wild and Wooly Mammoth Got You?!?!

WHOA! I totally got my first comment and I'm a little stoked about it, not gonna lie... :) Thanks luvy!!!

So had a date tonight... I know crazy right? An actual date. So I'm sitting there waiting since we are meeting at the RMango. 20 mins goes by and I realize I'm still waiting. I'm actually sitting in a frozen yogurt place when it's freezing bollocks outside, waiting on a man that NEVER showed.. What the heck man?!?! Now I'm no Brazillian Bombshell, but dude, I'm cute and I'm waiting on a man?!? sheesh!! I mean, who bugs the tar outta someone ALL BLOODY DAY and then DOESN'T show for a frozen yogurt date?!? And who the hell wants to eat bloody frozen yogurt in DECEMBER?!?! C'mon man!!!

Needless to say I came home shortly after that little brain tirade in the middle of the shop... luckily I didn't cause an outward scene, it was definitely an inward scene... all upstairs in the brain basement, only cos I didn't want to freak anyone out, that was a really cute store and I totally want to go back sometime.... HOPEFULLY WITH A DATE THAT WON'T STAND ME UP!!!!

SHEESH!!!

Speaking of standing...

I have a bloody peeper/creeper I think.

Situation:

I'm layin in bed trying to read before I go to sleep (me read in bed?!? NEVER!!! Ha, betcha you can guess what I was reading tooo hahaha) when I hear the leaves outside my window crunching.

*Now here's a little tidbit on my place. I am on the first floor and have one window and one door in my place. The window is in my bedroom and points to the back of the house where there is a 9 ft wide space between the house and the neighbors backyard/fence. Now in this space there is nothing but foliage and well foliage. And TONS of dead leaves. So when anyone walks behind the house, I can hear them quite well....*

So I am hearing the leaves crunch and I sneak over to the window to just see if I can catch a glimpse of who is out there. I look through the blinds and see noone, so I go and lay back down. After about another 10-15 mins I'm actually falling asleep while reading when I hear the leaves again except this time it's softer and a bit more spaced out, like someone is intentionally trying not to make noise. Instead of getting up, I laid there and watched the shadow of a man in my blinds. He was there ALL NIGHT... and when I say that I literally mean ALL BLOODY NIGHT!!!

After about 2 hours I realized he was still there I was not hallucinating so I crawled with my phone into the bathroom to call town PD. (Non-emergency of course) So talking to an operator and get this she tells me "well if he hasn't approached and he can't actually see in, I' could send a car but they can't really do anything. I would suggest curtains."

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!?!?! LIKE REALLY?!?! YOU ARE KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RIGHT?!?!

But NOOOOOOOO she wasn't kidding. Needless to say I was too petrified to actually go out my front door and confront whatever low life was hanging out back there all night, so I did not sleep a wink all night. I literally laid on my bed clutching my phone for dear life watching this guy's shadow all night. Apparently he got better at making less noise cos I barely heard him shuffling around back there. (PS Neighbor dogs didn't bark hardly at all at him but they don't shut the EFF up now?!? stupid dogs!!) Nini suspects the neighbor dogs know said person but really that's just crazy they should be killer attack Kujos that take out EVERYONE... that would be my Lily... Dude... I need my girl. I might pick her up this weekend. I don't think I (or my job) can handle another sleepless night like that..... And Lord knows if I get murdered in my place, only 7 people have ever been in my apartment so here's hoping one of them knows to break down my door and find me. SHEESH!!

On to happier thoughts....

It's snowing!!!!! Just not in my part of the universe *sad face* I miss snow. And I love wearing my cold weather outfits... they are kinda cute! ;)

Oh on another note:

Found myself another Early Christmas present....

YUM!!!! *bats eyes dreamily at Jordan Catalano*

Okay... happy thoughts cloud my mind. I'm gonna go read and pass out....

"A lover's eyes will gaze an eagle blind;
A lover's ear will hear the lowest sound...
...Love's tongue proves dainty Bacchus gross in taste:
For valour, is not Love a Hercules,
Still climbing trees in the Hesperides?
Subtle as Sphinx; as sweet and musical
As bright Apollo's lute, strung with his hair:
And when Love speaks, the voice of all the gods
Makes heaven drowsy with the harmony." Love's Labour's Lost (Act IV. Scene iii)

(Weight of Words was updated!!! SQUEE!! soooo excited!!!)

Random Midnight Surfing

So random late night surfing and I've found myself my very own Christmas present....

Merry Christmas to me!!

yummm.... :) Man I can't wait for rugby season.... *le sigh*

Oh yeah, sorry back to random late night surfing.....

Dangerous concept... I know....

But seriously... there is a website dedicated to Ticklish Male Celebrities... it's kinda amusing I have to admit... good stuff... although I kinda wonder about the idiot that found out Tito Ortiz (BAMF UFC Fighter) is infact ticklish... that just seems like a dumb move to me, but ya know...

I figure everyone is ticklish somewhere right? Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I was actually tickled.... hmmm... it's not like you can tickle yourself right.... maybe I'll find the nearest pub and make an announcement for people to come tickle me.... ha yeah I'm sure that will go over well.

What about you, are you ticklish????

PS Google images is a dangerous thing... I'm just saying....

*VENT* Ugliness is not hereditary

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I mean I guess it's either sheer stupidity or sheer naivety. I'm sure it will never change. I'll always be the wicked that takes advantage over everyone and is so mean and so self absorbed and just "ugly". And you'll always be the saintly that gets taken advantage of and spoken to so rudely and blah, blah, blah, BLAH!!!

Forget this!!!

I DO NOT DESERVE THIS. I am a nice person. I am polite. I am considerate.

Show me who I don't treat like that. Then let's look at the whole picture and see why that might be.... truly....

You want to cut yourself out of my life so much, then do it. I'm not pushing you. You are the one pushing. So here... want this... I'll be gone in a year or so anyhow. Keep pushing... See where that leaves you..... Cos it won't be on my doorstep, that's for damn effing sure!!!

And ya know if you want things your way so much, then go rent someone to agree with you. I've never been a "yes man" so don't expect it now.

I'm done!

Inane Questions Answered

So here's the pooh....

I get 60 text messages, yes 6-0 text messages from one person. Debating back and forth over some stupid topic. Here's my deal. I don't care. Either you wanna do something or you don't. You want this or you don't. You have plans or you don't. None of this back and forth crap.

Seriously!

Just so there is no more confusion (since there obviously is) here are my answers:

If you want to come over to my apartment, then come over. You know where it is, you know how to knock, just do it.

If it is Monday through Friday and day time, I AM busy and I'm sorry but I cannot hang out.

Dude, Don't ask me if I want to 'hang out', either ask me out somewhere or don't. You don't wanna go out, fine, ask me to come over for a movie or better yet just tell me you are bringin a movie over.

Yes, I'm more than likely hungry because I've probably forgotten to eat.

No, I probably don't have plans for a random Sunday and shopping would be great.

__________, I'd love to go there, let's plan it out.

Yes, I'm ready to workout.

Sure, if you don't want it, thank you.

Let's see... are there any others? Oh wait, yeah.. Yes, you can borrow ________. Just bring it back. (*ahem, this means you, I'd like my things back... and yes, I'm talking to YOU*)

So are we clear?? Any other questions??

Just so that's all in the clear. People, let's start this now. Texting kills (teens sexting kills too, cos daddies in Texas carry shot guns; word to the wise: don't do it!) let's keep the inane questions to a minimum. I'd really appreciate spending my 30th birthday not in jail for murder. I'm just saying...

So now that I feel better about that. Anything good this weekend?? I've been debating back and forth on whether or not to post back blogs, just so they are all in one place (ps thanks for being my sounding board). Any thoughts on the matter? Any suggestions? I never really know who reads my stuff, so those that are here, thank you. Those that aren't, well sod off yeah you're not reading this rubbish anyway, yeah?

Alright kids... it's been.... um... educational. Speak soon, yeah?

H&K

*Back Blog* Wed Mar 1, 2006

*time for today's philosophical hour*

what happens when you shed every wall from yourself... your shells, your masks, your humor... to where there is nothing left but just you and your raw emotion... would you be tolerable? could you find someone to love you like that? could you love yourself? do we really need all these defenses all the time? is there ever really a time when we "let our guard down"? they say animals are a good judge of character... does that mean that when i am just me with my dog, he's there because he loves the nitty-gritty bareall me? or is it just cos i'm a warm body to be near? are we all just warm bodies to one another???

*Vent* Just Me....

I'm just me.

I can't be anyone else because I'm just me. That's it. No bells, no whistles, no colorful tassels, no furry earmuffs. This is me bare before you.

I'm not sure how one would further describe this vulnerability I share with you now. To know I am this open to the world around me, especially to you, and to feel how quickly you raise your sword and pierce the flesh. The wounds are so deep that I fear none will ever mend. Do you feel better? Does some magical weight lift from you because you have cut me so? Will you sleep peacefully knowing that you've dissected my heart? That you've done all you can to appear to be this wonderful person, when in fact you still berate all around you, slowly taking a pound of flesh each time. I love you. You are one a the few people I can truly say I love and still you squalor my love as if is a never ending stream.

It kills me.

Truly, honestly kills me.

How can I begin to mend and allow others in my heart? The one constant in my life turns out to be constant in their delivery of pain. I am not a horrible person. I have literally given my last dollar. I do extend myself to strangers. I am open to be loving and obviously forgiving. And all without recognition... yet you claim I'm the ungrateful, I'm the spoiled, and I'm the rude person you "can't believe" you've ever met...

Shame on you.

You call and give as willingly as ever when you know there are others to comment or just make note of your good deeds. You love to talk highly of others because then you are the person that is just so proud of others. Yet in our dark, dirty little corner... I know who you really are. I know the maliciousness in your tone when you are "only trying to help". I have felt the pain from your own hand. Tell me again why I am the horrible one. Oh wait, I remember.. I'm the one that ran from you. I'm the one that 'made you do it'. You had to control me better. Right? That's the reason, isn't it. That's what you've convinced yourself of, correct?

Shame on you.

No one thinks about you, right? No one thinks of your feelings, you are always last to be considered right? No one is ever nice to you. Everyone is always mean, and always saying hateful things. Everyone takes advantage of you. Even your own. You are always all alone because of everyone else's doing. You are always, always wronged. Yet you forget that you have had people who do wonderful things for you. Plan surprises, only to have you overlook them or ruin them, or worse yet, complain of them. Offer things you want and need or just something you will like, yet you never care for any of it. You destroy the nice things you say you need and then complain of it.

Shame on you!

You have been so busy all these years picking out the reasons to not do something or finding the one misplaced word in a conversation that starts a fight. You have claimed that you have been ignored and mistreated. You have claimed innocence in all of this. Yet you have NEVER taken a good look at the situation for what it is. A poor attempt at manipulation.

Shame on me...

Shame on me for allowing you to bog my heart and my mind down so much. You've spoken your last hateful word to me. You've lain your hand on me for the last time. I will not be anyone's whipping boy. I will not be anyone's cause for martyrship. I can roam this world without you. That is not impossible. I've done it thus far. My life will continue as will yours. The world will still turn, but you will never be able to hold me down again. I'm allowing myself to be free.

I guess I should thank you for the many years of abuse. At least now, I know I can handle a beating when delivered. Both mentally and physically. Even emotionally, I've got this. Looks as if I'll serve well....

Thanks.