I'm sorry. I know you had your suspicions and you were right. I should have been honest when you asked but up until that moment I hadn't actually been embarrassed to be apart of the situation. It's not often I kiss and tell, but I feel I owe you that much.
The weekend after my 30th birthday, I felt lost and worn and just confused about life in general. I had a friend come visit me for the weekend. We had gotten closer over the years and I really appreciated our interactions. They were intellectually stimulating and, let's be honest, it's fun to argue with him. It was just a fun relaxing weekend hanging out in the water and maybe a few video games.
Maybe it was the lake, or the moonlight, or the Jameson... I don't really know. Hell, maybe it was just him, but I let him seduce me. He said the most precious words to me, that I've NEVER heard from ANYONE before. He made me feel desired and special and worth something more than I had been shown.
I swear to everything, I thought it was a dream. I woke the next morning and he was in the guest room asleep, just as he should have been. I was overly confused because I couldn't believe I would think of him like that, let alone dream of him in that context. I had no idea what to do. I remembered what my old roommate told me once, "I don't do awkward," so I decided to just carry on as if the dream never happened. It wasn't til later that afternoon that he made a comment and I realized that it wasn't a dream, and my dream suddenly became a nightmare because I felt I betrayed you.
I know I should have called you then and told you, but I rationalized that it was a one off and there was no point in risking hurting you for ridiculousness.
I knew I'd be staying with them all season. I knew I'd probably share a bed with him, but simply in a sleeping situation, with the possibility of maybe snuggling simply because I'm used to snuggling two furry babies every night.
It progressed, as you can guess. I thought we were keeping with the original plan, nothing serious, just convenience, but really, convenience takes on a new meaning when you are practically living with each other in one room. I don't know how it happened. I really don't. I guess the faux nature wasn't registered by my brain because going through the motions did something to my heart. Stupid heart.
There was no real discussion. Everyone had figured it out, and honestly after a while, I stopped worrying about hiding what everyone already knew. I thought about calling you a million times. I still felt bad but I didn't know how to tell you what I had done. I still felt wrong for betraying your trust and going behind your back.
Then New Years came. I thought he'd already been to see you and I was heartbroken when I saw you. It killed me until you told me he stood you up. It makes me a horrible person but I was so relieved. I had already decided I deserved every ounce of heartbreak from him because I hadn't had the gumption to be honest with you. But hearing he hadn't betrayed what we had, lifted this huge weight from me. I was still torn because I have been horrible to you, but there was a chance still, right?
Then the other night, he slips it in conversation casually that he did go see you the night before. I can't express how devastated I was. Am. I probably still deserve it, but damn does it just SUCK!
Then last night you were so sweet and understanding. It broke my heart all over again when you said if it was me you'll be mad at him for me. I think I had to hide my face for a few minutes to cry.
I know you already suspected but I figured I should confirm before Big Mouth tells you like it's no big thing, when really, it kinda is.
I can't apologize enough for not talking to you about it in the first place. He was NEVER my intent. And I was a little freaked out about the age difference at first but he was always just what I needed when I needed it. I don't think I could have gotten through the emotional roller coaster that has been my life this last season without him. And that is in no way related to anything other than the crap I had to deal with in my personal life.
He always knows just what to say or do and he's been a life line for me. The extra stuff... Well he made me feel like a real person. I was allowed to feel and care and be cared for. I've not had that in my life. Maybe I was intoxicated by the feelings he invoked.
It didn't hurt I had an instant family of brothers to love and be loved by.
I still miss them, so much.
I know I lied to you. I wasn't ashamed until you asked me and I don't think I've ever felt as shamed as I was in that moment. And it's not unwarranted. But I was ashamed that I had let him do that to me and I was still there allowing him into my life. I've learned an important lesson though. I won't be trusting of pretty words and gestures. It'll be a long time, if ever, that I believe I am worth more than what I've been shown.
Someone once told me that I wasn't worth anything more than a bet. And I believed for so long.... Now I know I'm worth an idea until something better comes along to replace me.
It hurts, but I won't ask for your forgiveness. I can't. But I will apologize profusely. You didn't deserve to be lied to or disrespected. You don't deserve to be pulled, yet again, into nonsense drama. I'm so sorry. I allowed this to happen. I knew better and didn't listen to my conscience.
I'm sorry.
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