January 22, 2015
Still stationery.
And still heartbroken.
I don't know I seem to think that a few days can cure a heartbreak. Especially when I can't keep some people from inserting themselves into my life.
Am I so pathetic that I can't tell some silly, ridiculous people to get lost? Do I have to have them constantly in my life causing hurt and nonsense? Am I really a drama addict?
Do I create this crap myself??
Fs Sake! I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I've been dealing with craziness for almost a month now, probably longer.
I've been trying to explain my emotions.
I'm hurt and I'm mad. I keep wondering why it is I don't matter to others. And that's not fair, I know. There are SEVERAL people that love and support me every day. Even if we don't talk every day, I know they care just as they know I care. But it's those certain people. Why don't they care??
If you could spend 5 minutes in my head, you would understand why my heart is so tender. I cry for families that have lost loved ones; I cry for people that believe so strongly in something or someone they are willing to die; I cry for the mistreatment of animals and people; I cry for people who feel even an ounce like I do; I cry for those that are in pain and sorrow; I cry for those that refuse to cry for themselves. I am constantly thinking about those that are important to me, or anyone that has touched my life. I wonder how those that have been struggling are doing. I wonder if so-and-so is having a better day because the other day was rough on them. I worry that someone needs a hug or something more. I wonder/worry/think/CARE every day, about every one.
I've spent my day dealing with my own issues. And I found out some news that made me relieved and sorrowful all at the same time. I'm relieved that the situation I found myself isn't ideal and now I don't have to make any difficult decisions. But I'm sorrowful because I had been thinking the last three weeks about the possible changes in my life. I was accepting of the possibilities. I even worked out different options if things got more challenging than they needed to be. I had an opportunity to really embrace possibilities. I was starting to look at the whole situation as an option. It's sad that the situation isn't going to become a reality, but at the same time, I'm grateful for the last few weeks. It's helped me realized exactly what I do want from life. And what I don't want. I want someone in my life that loves me for me. Not for what I can bring to their life/situation, not for what I can do for them, and not for the potential that I may or may not have. I just want someone to be excited to hear/see/touch me. I want to be the one that they think, "hey, I wish she were here to share this with," or "she will _____ this". I want someone to know me so well that they can pick the perfect gift. I want someone that will make an effort just for me. As cliché as it sounds, I really do want to be somebody's someone.
I know I have some really wonderful friends that think of me often, just as I do them. But I want more than that. I want a best friend to love in a way that's more than how I love my friends. I have a lot of love to share. I was lucky that way. My mom taught me love and a selfless love at that. You should know, if you've touched my heart, then I have love for you. Regardless how little you may think it is, I do, I have lots of love for each of you.
Recently, I had a good friend point out I am a self-proclaimed bachelorette. I am not a huge fan of relationships simply because I am always the one getting burned. I think there is maybe one person I dated in my entire life that didn't completely break my heart (BBaer, you're still a doll!!). I have a lot of misgivings about relationships. After the Pollock-MnM, I never wanted to get married. I didn't want to have to deal with the worry that I'm being cheated on, or that I'm not doing enough as a wife to keep the relationship going, or blah blah blah. I realized after these last few weeks, I do want that. My original ideal marriage with 12 kids may not be a reasonable goal any longer, but a person that loves and adores me, just as I love and adore them, can be a reality. I am worth at least that much.
So if you have had to deal with my moodiness and my absurdities, THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND LOVE. If you have had to deal with my midnight/midday phone calls and freak outs, YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN I COULD EVER EXPRESS (and I'm a writer!). If you have loved me unconditionally through everything, I LOVE YOU TOO.
Day 5 may have not been much for a traveling journey, but I feel the journey I am on now. I want to grow with the people I love and care about. I want to experience the world through their eyes as well as my own. I want to hug, kiss, and love more every day. I want to feel the love, hugs, and kisses as well.
I got my answers today. I'm grateful for the technology that opened those doors. I'm hoping my journey will be a bit more solid from here on out. I've spent too much time doubting and living in fear and anger. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be stronger if not for me then for my future me and my future family. I love my current family. Friends that stay in your heart will always be family. Y'all are mine.
I'm about done crying about this nonsense. I'm ready to move on and drop some of this emotional weight at the sky cap.
~*~
As for our physical journey, El Paso is fantastic! I never thought I'd say that! It snowed all day here!!! I've been saying for months how much I've missed my New England winters, and I finally got a BEAUTIFUL snow day with a bonafide blizzard feel!! It was absolutely gorgeous!
Also, for those coming to El Paso to visit, Tony Lama's has the BEST deals on boots and SaddleBlanket is TOO MUCH FUN!!!
I'll leave y'all with a little of my EPTX snow day!!
As always, I still miss you. I still love you. Goodnight!!
Xx
Still stationery.
And still heartbroken.
I don't know I seem to think that a few days can cure a heartbreak. Especially when I can't keep some people from inserting themselves into my life.
Am I so pathetic that I can't tell some silly, ridiculous people to get lost? Do I have to have them constantly in my life causing hurt and nonsense? Am I really a drama addict?
Do I create this crap myself??
Fs Sake! I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I've been dealing with craziness for almost a month now, probably longer.
I've been trying to explain my emotions.
I'm hurt and I'm mad. I keep wondering why it is I don't matter to others. And that's not fair, I know. There are SEVERAL people that love and support me every day. Even if we don't talk every day, I know they care just as they know I care. But it's those certain people. Why don't they care??
If you could spend 5 minutes in my head, you would understand why my heart is so tender. I cry for families that have lost loved ones; I cry for people that believe so strongly in something or someone they are willing to die; I cry for the mistreatment of animals and people; I cry for people who feel even an ounce like I do; I cry for those that are in pain and sorrow; I cry for those that refuse to cry for themselves. I am constantly thinking about those that are important to me, or anyone that has touched my life. I wonder how those that have been struggling are doing. I wonder if so-and-so is having a better day because the other day was rough on them. I worry that someone needs a hug or something more. I wonder/worry/think/CARE every day, about every one.
I've spent my day dealing with my own issues. And I found out some news that made me relieved and sorrowful all at the same time. I'm relieved that the situation I found myself isn't ideal and now I don't have to make any difficult decisions. But I'm sorrowful because I had been thinking the last three weeks about the possible changes in my life. I was accepting of the possibilities. I even worked out different options if things got more challenging than they needed to be. I had an opportunity to really embrace possibilities. I was starting to look at the whole situation as an option. It's sad that the situation isn't going to become a reality, but at the same time, I'm grateful for the last few weeks. It's helped me realized exactly what I do want from life. And what I don't want. I want someone in my life that loves me for me. Not for what I can bring to their life/situation, not for what I can do for them, and not for the potential that I may or may not have. I just want someone to be excited to hear/see/touch me. I want to be the one that they think, "hey, I wish she were here to share this with," or "she will _____ this". I want someone to know me so well that they can pick the perfect gift. I want someone that will make an effort just for me. As cliché as it sounds, I really do want to be somebody's someone.
I know I have some really wonderful friends that think of me often, just as I do them. But I want more than that. I want a best friend to love in a way that's more than how I love my friends. I have a lot of love to share. I was lucky that way. My mom taught me love and a selfless love at that. You should know, if you've touched my heart, then I have love for you. Regardless how little you may think it is, I do, I have lots of love for each of you.
Recently, I had a good friend point out I am a self-proclaimed bachelorette. I am not a huge fan of relationships simply because I am always the one getting burned. I think there is maybe one person I dated in my entire life that didn't completely break my heart (BBaer, you're still a doll!!). I have a lot of misgivings about relationships. After the Pollock-MnM, I never wanted to get married. I didn't want to have to deal with the worry that I'm being cheated on, or that I'm not doing enough as a wife to keep the relationship going, or blah blah blah. I realized after these last few weeks, I do want that. My original ideal marriage with 12 kids may not be a reasonable goal any longer, but a person that loves and adores me, just as I love and adore them, can be a reality. I am worth at least that much.
So if you have had to deal with my moodiness and my absurdities, THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND LOVE. If you have had to deal with my midnight/midday phone calls and freak outs, YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN I COULD EVER EXPRESS (and I'm a writer!). If you have loved me unconditionally through everything, I LOVE YOU TOO.
Day 5 may have not been much for a traveling journey, but I feel the journey I am on now. I want to grow with the people I love and care about. I want to experience the world through their eyes as well as my own. I want to hug, kiss, and love more every day. I want to feel the love, hugs, and kisses as well.
I got my answers today. I'm grateful for the technology that opened those doors. I'm hoping my journey will be a bit more solid from here on out. I've spent too much time doubting and living in fear and anger. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be stronger if not for me then for my future me and my future family. I love my current family. Friends that stay in your heart will always be family. Y'all are mine.
I'm about done crying about this nonsense. I'm ready to move on and drop some of this emotional weight at the sky cap.
~*~
As for our physical journey, El Paso is fantastic! I never thought I'd say that! It snowed all day here!!! I've been saying for months how much I've missed my New England winters, and I finally got a BEAUTIFUL snow day with a bonafide blizzard feel!! It was absolutely gorgeous!
Also, for those coming to El Paso to visit, Tony Lama's has the BEST deals on boots and SaddleBlanket is TOO MUCH FUN!!!
I'll leave y'all with a little of my EPTX snow day!!
As always, I still miss you. I still love you. Goodnight!!
Xx
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