Day 18

Day 18

Right, so let's get the real emotional writing out of the way (if you'd like to avoid, skip down to the ~*~):

Yesterday morning upset me.  Last night angered me.  

I decided to write a message to the people I love.  I know I push people away and I act like I never need help, because it's always been my job to fix things.  Since I was a kid, I had to just deal with stuff.  I always felt alone and so I worked harder to make sure I never appeared to need anyone.  My message to my friends and family was an apology.  I wanted to express how much I really do love and appreciate the people that want to support me.  And I wanted to tell them I am tired.  I need that support now.  Not with just this stupid little shit that frankly rates REALLY FUCKING HIGH ON THE RIDICULOUS SCALE... but my life in general has been pretty turbulent.  I'm ready for a swim buddy to let me lean on them and use their spare air if they don't mind. I am tired of holding people back from protecting me like I protect them.... And I am glad and PROUD to protect my family and friends.... You wanna see some damage, step up on one of them and I'll be glad to knock your ass down... And the best part is, every single person that loves me wants to do the same for me.... And I've never let them.  That's my fault.  It's time I allow a little extra back-up step forward like they want.  I'm not going to fight petty and catty children.  I'm not going to allow my heart to break when someone else is feeling low and wants to bring me down with them.  I'm gonna let my family knock their asses back for me so I can deal with the real important stuff.

That isn't to say my heart isn't ripped into two (metaphorically, of course) because it is.  I hurt so bad that even hinting at the pain brings a fresh round of agony.  I try to choke that back.  Honestly, I can't hardly eat because my stomach ROLLS at the thoughts and images some people seem INSISTENT to keep in my head.  I lay awake at night replaying conversations and actions and just trying to figure everything that went wrong.  I physically can't breathe when I think of what happened, and keeps happening.  I just ache.  I've been working hard at keeping all of that at bay.  Yesterday just ripped that goddamn wound right open..... But the bitchy little remarks that followed (and apparently are still coming) are just too much bullshit for me to handle.  My tank is full and I literally cannot handle anymore.

So I'm letting go of the driver's seat and allowing someone stronger and tougher (and probably just as fucking furious as I should be) take over.  I'm not a perfect person, but I'm definitely not as horrible as some people choose to treat me.  It's time I remember that.  I don't do witty insults or sarcasm.  I'd rather speak plainly.  

Basically, YOU SUCK.  

That's the depth I'm willing to hit.  I refuse to go any lower.  I don't even want to hurt anyone back.  I'm too tired for that.   I just want to be left alone at this point.  I want to heal.  And I want my friends.

~~~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~

So the proper post:

Day 18

February 4, 2015

Miles: bloody hell, I'm losing count.  I'll recalculate for tomorrow, promise.

Today is Grumpy's 84th birthday.  He woke up about noon living up to his name.  DQ and I left him to his own devices while we ran into town for last minute nonsense.  Got home and Grumpy sang himself "happy birthday to me" and informed us we needed to go to Space Age for dinner.  Well… okay…. it's a little weird…. I wonder still if he dipped into the Malibu while we were out….

Dinner at Space Age didn't happen because they were closed due to a "gas leak"… again odd… but really this little town is VERY odd.

Dinner ended up being at Little Italy, this place across from Space Age, and let me tell you…. that. food. was. AWESOME!!  I could hardly eat but what I had was so scrumptious!!  I'm a little bummed I couldn't eat more.  But hopefully I can pick at it for a few more days! le sigh

All in all, I think Grumpy had a pretty good day.  This is the most lucid he's been.  He was clear most of the day and didn't doze much until we came to the lodge so I could write.  He even walked a couple dogs today.  This is probably the best day we've had with him this trip.  I just wish he'd been this clear when he saw his buddy last.  

Today was our last day in Gila Bend.  I took some photos around town while I was running errands.  

This place is a time warp for sure but kinda fun (as long as you avoid the post office and the market... It gets a little scary there...).  We are headed West in the morning.  I'm actually REALLY excited because I have plans next week! 

Actual, bonafide plans!! 

With people!! 

People I know!! 

People that are wonderful and I've missed so much even though I just saw one in December but the other I haven't seen in almost two years and holy crap I'm so excited!!! 

OH!!! And I get to see one of my favorite musicians in Los Angeles too!  It's gonna be great!! I can feel it!!

Here's to awesome fantastical dreams about West.