Day 26

Day 26

February 12, 2015

Miles: 3347.4

I had some weird ass dreams this morning! I woke up searching the back of my head for the bird pecks and yeah.... Terrifying dreams... But I woke up in Long Beach and Polo-er's house is awesome! So warm and bright and light. It was just lovely to wake up so nicely.  Polo-er, bless her heart, had to be at work about 5:30 this morning so I didn't get to talk to her before she left but luckily we kept in touch via text all morning.

My drive back to the mountains wasn't as fun as the drive in, simply because I didn't dance like I did yesterday.  It was nice though, and traffic has been really good for me.

Finally made it back to camp and got to spend the day relaxing.  I tried to get my mind right to write some, but that didn't happen.  I took a really long, LOVELY nap this afternoon and apparently I really needed it.  

I've spent most of the day just being quiet and being still.  There are still a lot of arguments within the ranks in our crew.  I don't understand why such rudeness and animosity it required for every single day.  Why can't people just be nice?!? I'm over the fighting. I'm over the petty arguments.  I'm over being ignored unless a fight is being picked or something has to be fixed.  I don't understand why I can't just spend time with people who just want to enjoy my company.  I seem to constantly have this issue.  Yet, I don't.  I have true, genuine friends that enjoy time with me just as much as I do with them.  I get compliments from people I hardly know and those I've known for decades.  Why is it, the ones that are supposed to love and protect you the most are the ones that are the least nice??  I keep questioning what I'm doing.  Why do I bother being someplace where I'm not actually appreciated? Why do I insist on living like this??  I've been debating whether or not to do this open call for myself.  If I was lucky enough to land the call, I could get help losing weight and maybe get some time to figure out me.

That would mean I'd have to leave Grumpy and DQ to their own devices, but the selfish part of me thinks that maybe that's not a bad idea.  Let them deal with each other.  If I got to do this, I wouldn't be able to get millions of calls and texts from DQ about trivial things or for her to pick a fight.  I'd be able to focus on me for once.  Because despite what some people say when they want to hurt me, I don't make everything about me.  I hardly make anything about me.... 

I'm depressing myself enough.  I'm gonna go curl up with my furry butts and sleep.

Sleep sweet my friends!

I love you, because sometimes I have hope.

I miss you, because that hope lingers.

Goodnight!

Xx